I have been victimized, but I am NOT a victim – Sanjay Nimar
I got a mail from a friend which made me aware that June 1st, is a Narcissist abuse awareness day. So I thought I probably should add my 2 cents as well to this awareness.
I am going to do this from a different perspective. Much has been written about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However, very little has been written about Victim Personality Disorder (VPD).
I had a full blown VPD since childhood, which has made me go through decades of emotional abuse from many many narcissistic people. I got rid of one narcissist, another one showed up in its place, until I fully accepted that problem is in me and not in the narcissist. I realized that there is a subconscious reason why I am repeatedly attracting narcissists in my life.
Ouch … Yes, I know. This is the last thing a victim wants to hear.
Here is my journey from 10,000 feet. Hope some of these realizations will help you as well.
Being a victim has provided me with some level of comfort since childhood. The idea that I am not good enough, that I am wrong, was a strategy to get love and attention from the narcissist. The deep desire to be seen was somewhat fulfilled by this strategy, because it worked earlier in childhood. When I made the narcissist feel good about themselves by making myself lower, I fueled their ego which made them feel good and hence they gave me back some crumbs of “sympathy”, which I guess was a good enough substitute for love at that time.
This started a deadly cycle of inflating their ego while me going lower and lower, till I became completely invisible to the narcissist and I stopped getting even the crumbs of sympathy. All I started to experience was abuse, which continued to increase in intensity. This reached a point of complete emotional and physical breakdown. It took me several years after this to literally climb out of the grave and to put my life back on track.
Another byproduct of treating myself lower than others was that I became a dumpster for higher figures to dump their emotional problems on me. Things that they did not want to accept about themselves was sent directly my way. That made them feel better, but it made me feel terrible about myself. Well, this is my doing as well, isn’t it. I did make a choice to make them feel better about themselves at my expense. !!!
Realizing that treating myself lower than others is against the truth of the Universe, has helped me a lot. I am equal to everyone else in the world. We all carry the same spark of light. To believe and act in any other way is a lie and such thinking has serious consequences. It took a great deal of effort and work to re-configure the mind to start seeing myself as equal to everyone. Teachers, Gurus, Priests, people of power, parents, or any other form of authority figure has the same core as in me.
To idolize anyone it going the wrong direction of wellness. We are all imperfect humans with a whole bunch of emotional problems. Behind closed doors, even the highest priests and priestesses do unimaginable things.
The process of standing up in my own self was a very difficult one. Anytime I tried to stand up to the authority figures, I got hammered hard. The old habitual patterns in me tried to get me back to my original familiar self. But I kept getting up again and again. Finally, I think I have stabilized to the next level of my being-ness.
The process of seeing myself as equal to everyone else came with many other benefits. I started to see my value as a unique human being with my unique skills and talents. I became more and more aware of my value which resulted in wellness at all levels of my being. I truly connected with my life purpose, my business improved, found many good friends, terminated bad relationships and habits.
I lost a lot in this re-birth process. I had to give up many “close” family members, relatives, friends, career, and places of living. However, looking in the rear view mirror as all those memories are slowly fading away and a new life is dawning in the front, I feel it was worth going through all the those difficulties. My life is so much better than before. It literally is a re-birth.
Previous life I was a victim, this life I am a Victor – Sanjay Nimar
We all have the power to transform our life. If I can help make your transition a bit more easier, it will be my honor.